Scoreboard Media Group, Internet Audience Development

When I think of what Jason Calacanis’ backyard might look like, I envision a circus-like atmosphere wherein a One-trick Pony is tethered to a well filled with people from the 1990’s.  And in these visions of mine, Jason likes to go to his well often, untether his pony, saddle up, ask the earliest Internet users in the well to edit his latest business plans, and then chase his gardener (who he pays $10/day to wear a sign that says “TECHNOLOGY”) around his backyard. 

Roughly 99% of the free world would call this backyard “maniacal”, but a few VC’s would see it as “revolutionary”.  I see it as 100% awesome.

I hope that 2008 is another headline-filled year for the Paris Hilton of the Internet and here’s how I think he’ll continue to reshape our world from his backyard:

1.  ATM Machines.  No longer will it be an ATM “machine”.  It will be an ATP…an automated teller person.  ATM networks are expensive and charge people too much to get their own money back.  But for only $10/day in wages, JC will have some guy in the lowest tax bracket dole out your cash to you. 

2.  Gas Stations.  Paying at the pump is for suckers.  That walk between your car and the attendant during a Chicago winter builds character.  You can pay extra for a “human guide” named Otis or Jim Bob to tell you about the Willie Mays or FDR while their overalls gouge the clearcoat on your whip.

3.  Telecommunications.  Telemarketing is spam!  All calls must now be connected manually!  You might have your boy Big Willie in your Five, but good luck getting ahold of him when some lady named Ethel at the phone company can’t figure out what series of holes in the wall she needs to plug to blow up his iPhone. 

4.  Stoplights.  Sitting at a stoplight in his car that is slower than mine infuriates Jason Calacanis.  Why can’t that software figure out that nobody else is around?  It’s back to traffic cops at every intersection.  Human-edited traffic patterns are the new sliced bread.  Or mass vehicular homicide.  Could go either way.

5.  Unmanned Aerial Vehicles.  Sure UAV’s are a great way to track or attack the enemy without putting the fine men and women of our Armed Forces at risk, but they are also expensive and may fly into schools or stadiums or hospitals if the software goes buggy.  From now on they are MAV’s, or as I like to call them “planes”.