My Super Jessica Alba Proposal

9 Responses | March 5th, 2007

Jessica AlbaReaders, I have a problem.  I was just re-watching Rand’s proposal to Geraldine for the 4,283rd time (it’s the only thing I can emote to) and I realized that I’m going to lose “The One”.  Some Kevin Federline wannabe is about to steal the girl of my dreams and I need your help. 

For as long as I have known how old Jennifer Aniston is, I have loved Jessica Alba with all my heart.  Even more than Emmanuelle Chriqui, who never even offered herself to me after I had clearly garnered an inordinate amount of search traffic for her character on Entourage.  Who treats me like that? 

Now, my people have heard that Jessica Alba is engaged to Cash Warren.  Let’s look at that again.  I am getting beat by a guy whose actual name is “Cash” …all while he probably has less of it than me.  “Cash” is not the name of a proper husband.  Woman, most relationships fail due to disagreements about money…and you choose a guy named, “Cash”?  I mean, as far as I can imagine, the only thing worse than having to say, “This is my husband, Cash”, might be the inevitable evolution to him replacing the “s” with a “$”.  So, have fun waking up on Christmas morning to see “CA$H” and “JE$$ICA” stockings on the fireplace.  That said, dude is currently my hero.

I have a plan.  If each of you who reads this will link back to me with some sort of anchor text involving the words “jessica alba”, I can rank this page for her vanity search result, [jessica alba].  Like every other pop culture icon, she and/or her people monitor that query and she will likely read this.

So, Jessica, it’s likely 30-90 days after I originally published this and Google is fully recognizing all my links (memo to my male readers:  this is not how you talk to women), but I probably love you a million times more than when I wrote it.  Dump my hero, Ca$h, and choose me be your ATM-of-Love.  I am arguably funnier and taller than that guy, I have a great dog, and I can get stories/pictures/movies about you to the frontpage of Digg every day.  So, win-win for the both of us. 

Marry me, Jessica?

Kthxbye.

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  1. Commented by Jessica Alba at 5th March 2007, 1:19 am

    I will marry you Brian. I love you.

  2. Commented by Jessica Alba at 5th March 2007, 1:20 am

    Sorry bud, I want to marry your friend Andy Hagans.

  3. Commented by Neil Patel at 5th March 2007, 1:22 am

    Get in line buddy.

  4. Commented by Mike Empuria at 5th March 2007, 2:32 am

    Is it just me or has Neil told Jessica to get line for Andy?

  5. Commented by Neil Patel at 6th March 2007, 2:13 am

    Mike, I meant that there are tons of people who want to propose to Jessica. Was just trying to say that Brian is not the first. :)

  6. Commented by MeTheGeek at 22nd March 2007, 8:28 am

    Brian,

    The bit about the Crohn’s Disease was totally uncalled for… You’re funny!

    Neil, it’s ok, you do not have to excuse yourself. This is the Internet! You have a great blog, that’s all that matters.

  7. Commented by Chris Bennett at 25th May 2007, 1:13 am

    http://www.worth1000.com/emailthis.asp?entry=377117

    Theres your girl bro, is that you in the darth outfit?

  8. Commented by Nick Wilsdon at 25th July 2007, 2:19 pm

    Hey Brian

    Looks like she just broke up with Cash Warren so you maybe back in the running ;)

  9. Commented by The SEMMY Judges’ Cheat Sheet | Scoreboard Media Group at 20th January 2008, 4:26 am

    [...] FUNNY! My Super Jessica Alba Proposal, Brian Provost, Scoreboard Media | [...]

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